Animal kingdom. Someday I’ll be in a bamboo forest. Or I’ll just create my own
If you told me a job in mechanical engineering meant you’ll never see daylight, I might have reconsidered. And if the only way to see it is to become a big shot? There are easier ways to see sunlight.
I keep having dreams about you. Its been a long time since I’ve seen you. And the last time we spoke it didn’t go quite as well. But lately you keep coming back into my dreams. It plays out the scenario of us seeing each other again after so many years. Most of the dreams play out well. We forgive each other immediately; we were young and misunderstanding.
But these dreams play out so well that I fear to actually see you. I miss you dearly but I feel like I know it won’t turn out as well as my dreams. And these dreams are so perfect there is only room to shatter them. Is that rude that I don’t trust that you’d forgive me? Perhaps. But if you’re OK without me, I’m OK with you in my dreams .
stop worrying about what you don’t know. wonder about what you don’t know.
16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you?
I haven’t really. I mean my parents sure, but that’s more habit.
What’s interesting about this is that we out so much weight on the word love, and thrown the word like into this awkward corner, that it’s really hard to tell someone how you feel without sounding crazy. I mean I know people that I have a deep passion for, people that I know have something inside of them worth knowing about, yet we’ve handicapped ourselves from finding this out from one another. We’re so afraid of expressing emotions, but the truth is we feel them, feel them harder than is perceived. There are people I want to spend late nights getting lost with, there are people that I want to show my appreciation for their efforts and motivation. We speak in such a bland dialogue that we’ve kept ourselves from really communicating our passion towards people.
high of forty two degrees today. that’s pretty cold here in florida.
and the sun was setting so it would only get colder.
but i went into the ice cream shop near campus anyways. its was empty.
i wasn’t surprised, but the lady behind the counter was
she was beautiful. and i knew that even with the oversize polo with the
store logo embroidered. hair unwillingly tied back, company policy perhaps.
she had a look as if she was questioning my existence. ”can i help you?”
"sure…" as i looked around "but isn’t it self serving? pay by the pound and all?"
taken aback, i probably sounded too witty. “yea go ahead” she said.
i scoped out the flavors, as if i’ve never seen vanilla and chocolate before.
"you really want ice cream in this weather?"
"yea probably weird right? sell anything hot and warm?"
the pause between my question and her response was just just short of awkward
"umm, hot fudge?"
i laughed immediately to avoid it getting weird. she could have said anything.
"you know i thought you might have been homeless or something, i didn’t think i’d have any customers tonight."
i took offense to my choice of outfit.
"even for a homeless, an ice cream shop wouldn’t be ideal would it?" i said.
"probably not. although there isn’t a chimney store for miles"
i laughed at this. it was a pretty bad joke. but she was pretty
there was a pause in our conversation as i browsed the grid of toppings.
"you know i usually get marshmallows, based on the theory they are lighter so then my ice cream would be cheaper? and thus it’s the reason why i’ve never gotten the double fudge brownies"
she gave me this look like i was crazy but perhaps genius. more crazy.
"i like the fruitty pebbles" she said. "its like upgraded spinkles. and if there’s any left, well then you have cereal. you can’t do that with sprinkles."
she’s probably right. i’ve had melted ice cream and sprinkles before. it’s a big let down.
to be continued…
2012 ended up being a disaster. the beginning was fine, normal college life. summer was actually pretty awesome, i got my first internship as well as took a couple trips throughout the season. fall/winter though, downhill. all the details are said in my end of 2012 post, so no need to write through that again.
but i knew right then and there 2013 was going to be good. it had to be. i was determined to make it so, and where i was at that time it could have only gotten better. and you know what, it was good.
spring semester, the semester i shouldn’t have been there, i killed. i concentrated, i put in the effort, and aced. sure it may not have been the hardest of classes (although not the easiest), i put every effort i could. and was a pleasure that was. because if i had graduated last year, it would have been done down on my knees begging, pleading to get a pass. that was probably not the best way to receive it. and frankly it would wrap up my college experience in a pretty dark light. rather now, i walked across the stage with my head held high, because i proved to myself that i was capable of doing what i want with the right mindset (and with the right help).
soon after i got accepted back into my first internship. sure, it may be a cop out, i didn’t exactly get any call backs from other places i was applying to. but i do enjoy this company a lot, and the projects i work on, the only downfall was that i was getting intern pay for providing full mechanical engineering knowledge.
and i still am. im still there, still an intern. which has been ok for now, i have to put in my time here. and i said to myself ‘as long as i learn something today, i’m gaining more than just a few dollars’ and it’s been true.
now these few dollars has rewarded me with some nice things. i can afford some things i want. i can finally purchase things i’ve been wanting. if i really like something, i can actually work to buying it. it’s nice. it’s not much still, i’m still waiting to make an overhaul of lifestyle. but i’m finally able to pick up elements of my lifestyle i wish to develop. as i receive this blessing, i’m really concentrating on going about this with the right eye. trying to stay away from splurge, and really hone down a focus on my taste. for sure first and foremost lock down the things i need. but then i skip the things i want, and go straight for the things i crave.
but you know what. this fortune was led me to something much more important; friends. i could finance whatever i like, sure, but there is no better investment than to invest into friends. i had the pleasure of hosting some of them my birthday this year, and we sat there and realize, the past year all of us have been so focused on making the jump from college to real world, we all kinda forgot to see each other. and thankfully that was the spark that brought us closer together this year (and thankfully my birthday is so early in the year that it happened sooner than later). i really felt i lost some of the friends i had, and thought maybe they weren’t as into me as i was into them (is that weird?) but now we do whatever we can to milk the moments we have together. and i mean now most of us have the means to hang out: bar hop, restaurants, night outs, vacation trips.
i took two major ones that i purchased myself. the first was to LA, where i met up with good friends AJ, Krystian, and even Jolene for one night. man what a blast. and we did a lot of cool things there, ate some really good food, but it was mostly for the good company of friends. Although i do have to note it was my first time driving around in a convertible, and what better way to do it than down the pacific coast highway up to malibu?
the second trip i took was to New York. and i’ve been there many times, but this time was the first time with friends. i can’t even explain how spectacular that was. it may just as well be the best time of my life. i love new york, and i was surrounded by some of the best people i know. it was magical really. oh the withdrawals after were so hard lol.
but i also took some smaller trips. key west with ashley, key largo with ashley, key largo with the fam. we are all so eager to travel far away, but make sure you appreciate what you have close by. florida is a destination for many, and those privileged to live here should take advantage to actually seeing that.
also i went to New Orleans, road tripping with the family. I’m really blessed that we’ve been able to spend quality time together and not have to fake it, always drama free, and just be able to enjoy it. and as my brother and i grow up, and my parents grow older i know it’s going to change. i just hope we can take advantage of what we have now, and take advantage to whatever situations we have in the future.
the future. hm. 2013 will be remembered as a great year (hopefully i remember, lately i’ve had a hard time distinguishing years, but i think this one will be well noted). it’s so full of ups i can’t quite remember what the downs were. but as magical as this year was, it’s really exciting to know it’s not the peak, it’s really only the beginning of the climb. i’m so blessed to have had such a quality experience so far, and to know that with the right efforts and prayers, it will get even better.
2014 i’m hoping my achievements in my career will get better (hopefully soon, i want that paper!) which will really spark things up and fully step into the world of adulthood. this leads to upgrades to lifestyle which should happen as well this year along with my career. i hope to continue the relationship with my friends, take more big trips or even bigger ones too (that might have to wait til 2015 lol). development with my relationship with ashley ;) lol . fulfilling some of my long term dreams (yes please finally). optimistically things look really good this year, i really hope they turn out as such.
resolutions for 2014: take advantage. they say life is too short but it takes more than words to come to realization of this. i can’t say i fully understand it, but i do want to try my best and take advantage of what i have right now. health, great friends, great family, spending money, a talented and gifted mind, an able body. The past couple years I’ve gathered a sort of ‘bucket list’ that i wanted to knock out as soon as i possibly can. but that was during college, and there were a lot of obstacles and excuses to be made. i have knocked out a few on the list, but i think this year i can really get some really good ones taken care of if i put in the effort.
that’s the second resolution: focus. with a 9-5 job, you really see the value of time. there isn’t a lot of hours left after you factor in sleep, a job, and daily chores. you start to see it really matter how you spend your extra hours. one of the few things i miss about college (the other is being outside a lot more often). it’s a trial and error for me right now, and i’m realizing there isnt even enough hours for a routine; there is so much to do and each takes a dedicated number of hours. so now it comes down to choice: learn to decrease the time spent on things i’m not entirely interested in. im struggling with dropping the amount of time i spend of the ps3, but i’ll work on that. invest time into people that matter. invest in myself (i do need to get in better shape), invest into activities and objectives i want to fulfill, take back the things i’ve lost. And just get rid of things that frankly i shouldn’t put so much time into. I dropped a lot of people i follow on tumblr, but i do still want to keep up to date on friends. and also, i need to write more.
i strayed away from writing. one reason is that i wanted to talk to people more. but i have to say im not quite there yet. being stuck between the two led me to not doing either. so 2014 i want to do both: i want to write things that will lead me to talking, and talk about things that will lead me to writing. there are a couple projects in my head. and i realized after a while (and i’m realizing from writing this post) that my head will not be able to hold every detail of a thought, so i need to write it all down when i can. so im hoping this year i can get some things off my chest. write the words im still afraid to say. because holding back on what i want to say will hold back the opportunities that are available for the taking.
and that’s the last resolution: fucking go get it. all of these resolutions sound cliche, but the kicker is that there are no excuses anymore, not right now. at this very sliver of my life there are very few things that are holding me back. it’s about as close as i will get to having a large about of time, energy, money, mindset to be able to pursue… well happiness.
i’ll be fiine once i get it. i’ll be goood.
and i’m not sure how long that will last. hopefully past 2014. but if not, then i better do it now.
here we go.
remember you own things people wish to own. you do things people dream to do